Looking back at this year it seems uneventful and the progress (if any) I made seems minuscule. But really, there was a lot that happened, a lot that changed, a lot that evolved internally. It was a year of transition. It started off strong after finishing my nutritional therapy course last year. I was inspired and driven. I wrote articles and sprinted to finish the free resource in January and I was ready to go. But then everything halted. I lost my motivation, my drive. I quickly lost sight of what I wanted to do or how I was going to make money. I had built my website and this resource around seeing clients but I quickly realized that was nowhere near the path I wanted to take. I knew it wouldn’t be sustainable or fulfilling. I knew it would be exhausting for me to strive toward a fruitless effort. But it came anyway. My incredibly supportive friends pushed me and I got clients! People wanted to pay me to help them. I must have met with at least 5 different people and probably close to 20 reached out. It was nuts, and it was exhausting, as I knew it would be. But I did it and I chose to see one client and she paid me! I made $250 last year, which is just amazing. But I spent most of this year searching for that drive, searching for the right path for me. I needed to find what direction would make me happy. I struggled to share anything on social media. I struggled to learn. I struggled for inspiration and passion. It wasn’t until really the end of the year that I found what truly resonated with me, and it’s still unclear how the hell I’m going to support myself. For now, though, I believe all the information I know should be free. I think everyone should have access to what I know and I want to help them return to themselves and rely on themselves for answers. I don’t want them to rely on me for what I know necessarily. I want to be a resource and support if they need it but I don’t think they should have to pay for my knowledge. If they want it organized a certain way or personalized, then yes, absolutely they will pay but for now I want to better myself. I want to get better at sharing, find my voice, learn deeply, think deeply, write and inspire people to do what’s best for them. It took all year for me to figure that out and it’s still not perfectly clear what all that means but it’s a direction and I feel good about it for now.
All my confusion really started at the beginning of the year, stemming from a conversation I had with my sweetest friend. She broke down with me thinking about goals for this year because what she really wanted was a family. That seemingly simple desire fucked me up because at the end of the day that’s what I want most in my life, too. And if that’s the case, then shouldn’t I be focusing everything I have on meeting men and dating to find my person? To be honest, I’m still struggling with that because that means I have to get on dating apps and put the time and effort into it with the expectation that most of my time and energy will be wasted. As much as I want my husband and family with all my heart, I don’t feel that wasted time and effort to be justified. At least right now. Maybe that means I’m not ready. Maybe that means I don’t want it badly enough. I do want it but I just believe in my heart that I will meet him when it’s time. It will be quick and it will be easy and I just really feel like that’s what will happen. And I think I want to explore my interests and explore building something of my own that will hopefully support me before I drop everything and waste my precious energy on apps and the dating scene. I do realize that I would get something out of dating. I’m sure I would meet incredibly interesting people and get good stories out of it. Hell, maybe my thoughts will shift on that later this year but for now I’m done letting the confusion get the best of me. I’m focusing on me and building.
The biggest focuses this year really became my spirituality and my social life, oddly enough. I would never have expected it. I really struggled in the beginning of the year. Looking back, it feels like I cut off social media for most of the year and moved on from last year’s breakup but that’s not even close to being true. I wasn’t in a good place for the first half of the year, until I reached a breaking point. Before that, I learned that I had to make a shift to get to know myself more deeply.
Early in the year I was lost, I wasn’t feeling inspired, I didn’t know what to do and felt really feeling disconnected from myself. I realized that I had built myself back up for someone who was in my past. I had built myself back up stronger than ever but my foundation was weak because I still had him in my mind. It was as if I was doing everything with him in mind, so that I’d impress him, so that I would be enough for him. So, feeling the need for healing and direction, I cast a net and stumbled upon Women Who Run With The Wolves and it changed everything. It took me most of the year to read because I savored it and let it marinate. I worship that book now. It spoke to me in ways I had never been spoken to before. It awakened the woman inside of me, it awakened my soul when I needed it most. It reconnected me to myself. And though I held on for dear life to the idea of the past and to the wisps of what was left of our relationship, I think I was only finally able to fully move on from it because of how this book affected me. I spent a lot of this year harnessing my spirituality and figuring out how to develop a practice and keep the connection to myself and to my intuition strong. I don’t know if I hadn’t done that if I would have been as clear about my move to Austin. But more on that later.
My social life is a different story and one that completely conflicted with the spiritual side I was exploring. We were finally in a good enough place to see people again. The vaccines were out and people were feeling more comfortable. My sweet friend introduced me to her friend and we hit it off. Then another friend, who was going through a break up, joined our little group and we started getting together weekly. The four of us became somewhat of a Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants group. It was one of the best things that came out of 2021. I haven’t had a group of girl friends with such wonderful people since college. We’re all so different but we’re real and we have dreams and it’s so nourishing for the soul. Unfortunately, I fucked it up when I moved. But 4 months after the move and we’re still talking and sharing and missing each other. Even with all the other people in our lives we still manage to text each other and want to talk to each other. It truly is so special. My social life also expanded with work and meeting new people. We started to have work events in person again and new people joined and with my sweet friend as my social guru, I was introduced to so many great people. It was fun meeting people and being so social. But it also ate at me a little. I loved feeling popular but I felt like I was being torn away from learning and from my work, not that I knew what that was this year. It was good for me to build on my relationships and explore in that way.
The biggest decision I made was to move to Austin. As much as I hate to admit it, the idea stemmed from a boy. At first, maybe I did want to come to be closer to him, to give us a chance if we deserved a second (or fourth). But the seed of the idea grew in my head. I sat with it for months to see if it’s what I truly wanted in my heart of hearts. I visited and that trip confirmed it. I felt like I belonged. I felt like I had reached a ceiling in Fort Worth and I felt like if I stayed I would come to resent it. It’s my favorite city and I would never want to resent it. So I decided to pick up and move. I decided to leave my newfound friend group and my office. I seriously considered staying for my friends, but I couldn’t hold back on this huge decision that would foster so much growth. So I left. I risked it all and I never looked back. It’s by far the most important decision I made and I still know it’s the right one. I have tiny doubts sometimes, especially with how political this city is and how hard it is to make friends. But I’ve met some people in my complex who are so kind and they make me feel better about it. I don’t know exactly why I’m here or why my intuition is so strong that this was the right decision but I’m sure I’ll learn one day. Until then, I’m really enjoying it. My apartment is a game changer – it’s so big and I love my complex. I love that I’m surrounded by incredible hiking and exploration. I love that I can find all kinds of cool, interesting people who are nothing but themselves. And even though I don’t have any close friends yet, I’ve met some awesome people. I know they’re few and far between but looking back, I met a ton of people – much more than I’d have thought.
My 2021 vision was about putting myself out there. I envisioned it to have to do more with my business and sharing nutrition resources but it turned into putting myself out there with people and with the world. I put myself out into the world by moving to a new city, knowing no one. I put myself out there by attending every social outing I was invited to (I think) and talking to people, getting to know them and being able to share myself from a place of groundedness and love. It wasn’t exactly what I had in mind, or wanted necessarily, but it helped me grow in different ways. It helped me grow a deeper connection with myself and by doing so I was also able to grow deeper connections with others, too.
Alright so the fun boy stuff. Well, I guess the beginning wasn’t very fun. Reading back over, I was a mess when it came to my past relationship. I was still obsessing over him, over analyzing and making shit up in my head. I knew I needed to let him go. I knew he was an idiot and that I needed to cut him off. I even wanted to. But I couldn’t. And I understand that because it was damn hard to let go of someone I loved so deeply. It was damn hard to let go of a life I envisioned, a dream that I wanted with all my heart. But that’s no excuse for putting myself through that bullshit for as long as I did. It wasn’t until I had several breaking points between March and July, when he didn’t follow through with things he committed to, when I finally saw how foolish he truly was that I was finally able to stop my own foolishness. I finally cut him off completely. It was the probably the best decision I made all year. He hasn’t changed and I lost hope for him ever doing so. We saw each other once and actually talked pretty regularly throughout the year but putting space between us set my soul free. He did end up moving to Austin too but I haven’t seen him or really heard from him, not that I expected to. I hope he’s having fun and I hope it’s everything he wanted. Maybe we can finally move on.
Surprisingly and gratefully, there was quite a few other boys in the picture this year. So fucking weird to say that. First came a friend of a friend. I will always love that boy because I met him at a time when I desperately need to move on from the past and he helped me do just that. He was hot and a good boy but he was weak. He was also young and immature, which was a theme this year. During the summer there was a guy from work first. He was an intern who worked on our team and we really hit it off. Nothing came of it, just some flirting and some hugs that helped give me the physical touch I’ve been missing but it was hella nice. At the same time there was my young man from the gym. Oh, boy. We met at the gym and I love him because he proved that the right guys will still come up to me in person. However, he was not the right guy. I knew right off the bat that he was emotionally immature, but he was so damn hot and he intrigued me. He asked me out and that’s when I found out the kid had just turned 23 years old. No wonder. But he was hot and he was kind. He looked out for people and reawakened a sexual side of me that had laid dormant for a long time. Our fling didn’t last very long. We went out a few time and he was one hell of a kisser. Unfortunately, he was my past repeating itself. He was immature, he hadn’t dealt with his demons and he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I was also moving. There were a few other guys in the picture that made things fun and interesting but none that lasted, which was for the best.
I think I’ve covered everything. My relationships with my family are strong and I’m proud of that. I did everything I could to see them, spend time with them and be there for them.
I’m sure there are things I could have done better and honestly I’m a bit concerned not much is coming to me right now… But when something does I’ll update this.
Overall, 2021 was a good year. It was interesting, it was deep, it was fulfilling and frustrating. I learned but I think the most interesting part of it is I can’t really articulate what it is I learned. It was all so internal, so spiritually nourishing.
Oh my god I forgot to talk about my visualization experience. In January during Camp Almost30, I had a vision where I met my higher self and my spirit guide. That was one of the highlights of the year. It turned a lot of things upside down for me but it was beyond comforting to know I can speak with my higher self whenever I need to and that my spirit guide sees all of me and loves me so very much – they way I should love myself and everyone around me.
Lessons In Summary:
- Trust your intuition but make sure you are grounded so that it comes through clearly
- I knew from the start exactly how my relationship with my gym boy would end
- I also knew from the very beginning that 1:1 client work would not be sustainable or enjoyable for me
- Move to Austin
- Surrender
- A theme that has been present for the past couple years but continued to be practiced
- I need to trust in the universe, in my higher self, in my spirit guides that everything is happening for me in diving timing. I cannot rush it, no matter how impatient I can be
- I will attract the things and people that are for me when I am living me best life, for me, completely consumed by me
- Instead of focusing on desperately meeting friends, or desperately meeting men to formulate my greatest dream of having a family, I need to focus on myself and put everything I have into being the best version of myself
- Focusing on those external desires removes me from myself and gives off energy that is not welcoming, feminine or attractive
- Summer is the happiest and most productive time for me
- Jan-Mar is hard but I might be able to frame it as a productive “hibernation” time to use it to my advantage instead of feeling down and lonely
- Apr-Sep is peak time
- I feel like my best self – happy, healthy, social, beautiful
- Oct-Dec things start to decline
- The holiday season brings a twinge of loneliness and high expectations that are always unmet and result in disappointment
- It’s as if I’m fighting the end of summer and dreading the dark that comes with the next few months
moodybreadcrumbs 