moodybreadcrumbs

Sometimes I wonder how the world can possibly function when it’s run by humans. Maybe with age you start to feel older and wiser, like you know things through experience that will make a difference in how things are run and the decisions you make. But at 31 I feel like the world is run by my children. In my mind I still feel like a child. I’ve learned some lessons, yes. I’ve gained some experience, some wisdom. But I still feel wildly young. And from what I can tell, that doesn’t change as you get older. It feels like everyone doubts their decision and isn’t sure about what they’re doing with their life. So it feels like the world is run by people who feel like children in their minds. Maybe, maybe not. But it’s still strange to think about these people, not much older than I am running businesses or making laws that people are to live by. Who gives them the right to these decisions? Yes, democracy, la-di-da. But really, shouldn’t there be some deeper vetting? Some greater filtering process than some popularity contest that judges people based on how they sell themselves to others? Shouldn’t there be some measure of deeper wisdom? Experience, self awareness? Some way to measure the mistakes they made in their lives and what they learned from them? Seems wild that we outsource people to rule our lives in a way. Where’s the agency? Where’s the responsibility? Where’s the power?

And then on the other hand, does it matter? Because who really knows the reason for living? It seems as though we desire some purpose, some deeper meaning for our unique existence and we all seem to desire a feeling of belonging and to be important in some way to someone. But what if the meaning of life is to simply live? Yes, our deeper biological purpose is to reproduce but overlooking that for the moment, what if we could be happy by simply enjoying every moment we are living and that is our life? Because when we die it won’t matter if we’re remembered, we won’t know – depending on your beliefs on what happens after death I suppose. I like to believe we live on in spirit but I get the feeling that I wouldn’t really care if I was remembered or not. I think I would care about the people I love and the people who live because I lived. I guess that in and of itself is a way of being remembered, having descendants. But I think that’s all I would care about. So maybe we would be happier if we put all of our efforts toward connecting with people and building strong relationships, strong bonds, strong, close families that love each other and live on after our death. Because even if you find a purpose and meaning that is fulfilling to you and you build a career around it or a life helping others, that’s great and wonderful and I’m sure feels fulfilling. But I think on my deathbed, I would feel more fulfilled knowing I gave everything I had to my family and my chosen family – the people who loved me deeply and who I loved deeply. The people I build a life with and who touched mine in ways that live on. I think that’s how we derive true meaning from life. We can find a purposeful career, or we can find beauty in every moment we are alive and play and create and whatever but if we lack those deep emotional bonds and relationships I don’t think anything else matters. And I think that’s been hardest for me to come to terms with because I feel like I lack the ability to bond deeply with people. I think it’s our society these days also and we all struggle to connect deeply because we also struggle to connect deeply with ourselves, too. And if we can’t do it with ourselves, how can we do it with others? So we seek relationships and depth through social media but it’s not the same. And maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Maybe I’m not meant to connect deeply with just anyone. There are people who find their way into my life and it feels like each and every one of them is special because there are so few. And because there are so few, they all have a notable impact on the path of my life and on the person I become. It’s strange how that works. We bump into each other and we change our directions or vibrations or whatever you want to call it. We bump into each other and we affect our futures. That’s meaningful and special. I just wish it didn’t feel so rare. I wish I had more of an opportunity to make these bumps lasting relationships that allowed us to explore each other’s internal worlds more deeply to learn from each other and grow together. I wish life wasn’t so busy and there wasn’t so much pressure to survive through making money.