moodybreadcrumbs

Reading my thoughts from the beginning of the year, I was there. My beautiful self was there, but she was so guarded. She was trapped in a hole of insecurity, fear and feelings of unworthiness. She was boxed into a mindset and her life was closed. There was no room for love or for just allowing herself to be herself, fully and freely. She felt like she had to be a different person in her relationship and a different person at work, and both of those people were different from who she truly was. Reading her thoughts makes me so incredibly sad for her but I’m so grateful that she’s free from that mindset and free from those bars she had put around herself.

I was buried under expectations and they were mostly created by myself: who I felt I needed to be at work to get promoted and to get approval, who I felt I needed to be in my relationship so that he wouldn’t leave me. It was so overwhelming that there was no space for me. I was suffocated and there was nothing anyone could do to make me happy, including myself. But the biggest factor in my unhappiness and the reason nothing could make me happy was that I didn’t love myself. I knew that was an issue. I read books and practiced what those books told me but I just kept going on with my life in the toxic ways that weren’t fostering love for myself. Until one day it blew up in my face.

The breakup was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my life to date. I was destroyed. I was at rock bottom, with nothing and no one. I didn’t have any friends, I was distant with my family. The one person I had built my life around left within two days. In an instant he was gone from my life. No contact. Nothing.

I handled the first part of it pretty well. I was hurting and devastated but I had faith and I felt that it needed to happen. It wasn’t until a month or two in that I came to the root of the issue: I didn’t love myself. I was so out of love with myself that I relied on another person to fill that void. I relied on him to make me feel whole and loved to the extent that he felt the weight of that burden and it broke him. He tried, he really did, but there wasn’t any way he could have given me what I needed, because what I really needed was myself. I’m not saying he didn’t contribute to the break up, but our relationship fell apart because I fell out of love with myself over the years. And because I relied on him, there was an incredible amount of fear. And because I didn’t love myself I couldn’t believe that he loved me so I looked for things that proved he didn’t, which only grew the fears and doubts. I was mad at him easily, I was jealous and possessive, I was needy and dependent. I wasn’t strong enough and it was only a matter of time until he couldn’t handle it anymore.

However, he was a big part of the reason I didn’t feel love towards myself. Not to say he’s to blame, because it was my responsibility to be strong and take action to foster respect and love for myself. But the years of his uncertainty about me and about our relationship, years of feeling inadequate and less than, years of coming second to him and his needs, compounded and broke ties that I had with myself. Those things wore me down so much so that I lost myself trying to make him happy, trying to be the person he wanted when he didn’t even know what he wanted. I was trying so hard to be someone I am not and to do things I didn’t want to do that I fell apart and buried myself under expectations. I became so buried that I lost who I was and what made me happy. It’s horrifying to think about.

It wasn’t until months went by that the full picture became clear to me. I knew I didn’t love myself and that’s what pushed him away and I knew that he had his own issues, but I didn’t realize how much his issues impacted me. The small subtle experiences built up over the years and slowly gained power over me to the point where I was incredibly unhappy with myself and was so afraid of losing him because I lost what I loved about myself and couldn’t see why he was with me. It’s scary to think about. It was hard. I hated it and I still hate it sometimes. But I can say with complete confidence that I am a totally different person from that girl.

My personal life bled into my work life in the best way possible. The breakup numbed me at first. I couldn’t deal with work stresses on top of the incredible heartbreak so I became numb to them and gave no fucks at all. That made everything better. I stopped caring. I stopped fighting. I released all the expectations I had of myself and being promoted. I focused on making it through one day at a time and that was enough. I focused on leaning into people at work more, engaging with them and being kind. I focused on being who I was and who I am and who I wanted to be. I took it slow and did everything I could and accepted that the best was all that I could do. Doing that allowed me to build relationships with people who watched me go through my breakup and who watched me change and grow as a person, away from the girl who was buried under her own expectations and fears. I started to like going to work every day again. I enjoy going to a place with kind people who care. It’s not the job I want for the rest of my life but it began encouraging me to move towards what I really do want to do with my life.

Deciding to enroll in the Lifebook course was one of the highlights and best things I could have ever done for myself this year. It was an incredible experience that made me fall in love with analyzing every part of my life, getting clear on what I want and planning for my future. I hated even thinking of my future before that. It helped me feel strong and confident in who I am and in who I want to be. It was a catalyst in me deciding to enroll in the NTP program and make progress toward who I want to be in my life. It allowed me to become inspired by myself. It was hard and there were a lot of tears and struggle to look that deeply into the every part of my life but I have never been more proud of something I created.

The ex is still in my life, though in a much more distant way. I’m still confused as to what our relationship is and really what I want it to be. I miss him and I want him in my life but I’m still struggling with the thought of us being friends because I think I’ll always want to be with him. Sometimes I think it’s my ego and sometimes I think it’s my heart. It doesn’t really matter at this point because until he decides that he wants me and acts upon it, I have to act under the assumption that he’s not ready and doesn’t want to be in a relationship. It’s hard to deal with that, I’ve struggled with it all year – lots of tears, lots of words written, lots of thoughts running through the brain. But here we stand, talking every so often when it’s convenient for him, until I decide I don’t want to talk anymore or until he decides he wants more. For now, it’s good to talk to him and to have him in my life, even if minimally. I will say I’m grateful for that and it makes me feel good when he does reach out and is thinking about me. Feeds the ego, I suppose. Breakups are hard – understatement of the year.

It’s frustrating because on the outside it doesn’t look like much has changed and it’s hard to articulate exactly what all changed on the inside. Because, really, I just gave myself space to me who I am, do what makes me happy and love myself for that. But those things were huge for me. I had to learn about myself. I was so alone after the breakup because I felt alone with myself. I was estranged from myself and I needed to get reacquainted. So I read, and I watched things I love. I listened to podcasts. I took things slow. I was patient with myself, loving towards myself, forgiving towards myself. I did things that made me feel strong: I learned, I worked out, I challenged myself at work and outside of work. I accepted responsibilities, I met up with new friends, I participated in work events, I wrote my Lifebook, I went camping by myself, I was honest and transparent with all the people in my life. I was able to cultivate a mindset that allowed me to see the bigger picture and see outside myself so that I don’t worry about others’ opinions or expectations, and only value my own. I now take things less personally. I give less fucks about what isn’t important to me. I am aware of my faults, my mental loops and stories that pop into my mind. I know myself incredibly well. I invested in myself and became clear on who I am, who I want to be and what truly makes me happy.

So, really, 2019 is a love story. I fell in love with myself.

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Lessons In Summary:

• Love yourself first. Never rely on anyone else to do that for you. It disconnects you from yourself and weighs heavy on them. When you love yourself fully, you become strong, you can stand on your own and contribute to peoples’ lives at a greater level.
  • Loving yourself creates freedom and confidence in your relationship. The person you choose to be with becomes someone who adds to your life and supports you, as you do theirs.
• Go slow. When things are overwhelming, new or scary, take things one day, one minute, one second at a time.
  • Give yourself the space to feel what you are feeling, acknowledge it, welcome it, understand it and move forward.
  • Ego is a powerful thing, and awareness is key.
• Allow yourself to be who you are: simply a human on a planet. Do things you want to do, make yourself happy. Sometimes, it’s OK to just exist, without judgment or expectations.
  • Be patient with yourself. Your pace does not have to be someone else’s pace. Learn, heal, grow in your own timing.
  • Forgive yourself for your mistakes but resist the inclination to take on all of the responsibility.
• Focus on being your best self, who you aspire to be, who your kids would be proud of. Be vulnerable, honest, transparent. Being authentic and true to yourself is the most freeing thing you could ever do.
• Trust yourself. Your intuition is solid and your judgment is good; you’re still learning but you’re allowed to make mistakes as long as you keep growing.
• Look at things closely. Do not be afraid to analyze your life, adjust your vision, be your best self, make progress or changes toward where you want to be. But remember not to judge it or put pressure on it. Things take time but progress can be made by taking small consistent steps forward.
• Write. If you are feeling any discomfort emotionally, write it out for clarity and to release it. Do not judge it. Writing my thoughts and emotions allows me to process, learn and heal faster and more effectively. Do not be afraid of motions or feelings. Welcome them. They are messages that teach me about who I am, why I think the way I do and how I can help myself move forward and grow.